| | Disclaimer: They belong to Dicky, sadly. We would have SO much more fun together than they're having..
The story is based on Kelly Clarkson's Because of You. Please be kind, this is my first fanfic, but I do want comments.
Thanks to Connie and Jenn for the beta..
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I've been sitting here for two hours, thirty-eight minutes and twenty one seconds. It’s just me, the dark, and the half opened bottle of vodka in front of me. Every so often, my hand reaches for the cold glass and begins to open it, only to remember you and return it to the table.
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
You died exactly four years ago today. You would think these old wounds would have healed over. That these forty something year old cuts wouldn't still be bleeding, draining the life from me, and that they would have become battle scars, that only I would see. Your death should have stopped the nightmare, but it didn't. The dreams, the memories, the hurt…it all should have died with you. Instead, these breaks, these cracks in my mask worsen every time I fall asleep. I wake up sweating, my face wet with tears, and your voice, as loud as it was back then, ringing in my ears. I never fall back asleep. I'm too afraid to. That's how I've wound up here, as I have so many times before. I sit on my couch, feet tucked under me, staring into the dark depths of my dusty TV.
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
Tonight's dream was one of the worst. It was my seventh birthday, and I relived the entire thing. I had asked for this baby doll. It was the only thing that I wanted and I remember how happy I was when I opened a big box, revealing that very doll. It had a pink onesie on, with a matching hat and boots, with blue eyes and light brown hair, like you. I remember how happy I was that day, you were too, but my dream wasn't about that. That night you changed, and that's what I remember most. The best day of my little life was over shadowed by my first night without sleep, and my first night of true terror. I was so scared. You were yelling and screaming and I couldn't make out what you were saying. I remember hiding in the corner of my room, hugging my new baby doll as tight as my tiny body could. Then you came in. Your eyes were big and red and you were carrying a bottle, much like the one in my hand now. Then you threw it at me. I tried to move out of the way, but I wasn't quick enough and it hit me anyway. I still have the scar. I started crying and you grabbed my new doll from me and threw it across the room where it hit the wall. You started screaming again. You told me that I was a bad girl for crying and that you didn't love me. That you never did. What you said next, though, has defined who I am, who I've been, and who I always will be. You told me that my father raped you. You told me that the daddy you said that I didn't have because he didn't love you, but loved me, didn't exist. You told me that I wasn't wanted. You said I looked like him too, and that I reminded you of the worst day of your life. You said you didn't know why you had me because you hated me. You said you hated me, Mom. I stayed up all night that night, listening to you sob into your pillow until the alcohol knocked you out.
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
The next day you said you were sorry. You said you didn't mean it, that you really did love me. I didn't believe you though, I still don't. I threw my doll out that day, and I never asked you for anything again. I was too afraid.
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Do you know why I hate these dreams so much? Because they bring back everything. After being able to forget for so long, that one dream can bring it all back. Sometimes, the dreams get so vivid, the feelings so strong, that I would bet my badge and gun that it was real. Back to reality, and I've gone through almost half my bottle of vodka and I hate myself for it. I guess it’s just one of the few things that you left me with; that you taught me. Vodka, dreams, scars, and pain. No love. No compassion. Not even an apology; just destruction. I'm no different than the half empty bottle in front of me. The sun is coming up, I can see the light through my blinds. I have to lock that scared little girl away again, and try to rebuild my world. I have to clip my badge and gun on and leave to fake my way through another day full of lies and hate and brutality. I have to because of you.
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
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| | Posted 11/9/2005 6:20 PM - 45 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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