|
SVU_FanFic
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Leena
Country: United States
State: New York
Metro: Long Island
Birthday: 6/13/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: Hey!
Here are the rules::
Ratings..you CANNOT use ratings like those for movies. It's now illegal, and no one wants to get in trouble.
Also illegal is leaving a disclaimer off of your fic. No fics will be accepted if they do not have one up top.
No flaming! This is a gay-friendly site, so all fics are accepted, even those of weird (Huang/Cragen) pairings, and of other related fandoms (other Law and Order shows, including TBJ)
Please, I'm working hard to get this site off the ground, so submit all your work! However, I do suggest a beta before posting, just to prevent any spelling/grammar/timeline/fact errors.
TO SUBMIT::
E-mail me your fic, and I will take care of the rest. I also do beta work, so just tell me if you want me to proof read it for you.
Thanks, and have fun!
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  blackBirdy97
Yahoo:  Starless628
Member Since:
11/4/2005
|
|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| Hey-
Reciently, I had someone from one of my YahooGroups say that I should have stated that I write slash. I thought I did, but incase someone else misses all the warning signs, THIS IS SITE CONTAINS FEMSLASH.
Ok?
-Leena | | |
| Disclaimer: They belong to Dicky, sadly. We would have SO much more fun together than they're having..
The story is based on Kelly Clarkson's Because of You. Please be kind, this is my first fanfic, but I do want comments.
Thanks to Connie and Jenn for the beta..
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I've been sitting here for two hours, thirty-eight minutes and twenty one seconds. It’s just me, the dark, and the half opened bottle of vodka in front of me. Every so often, my hand reaches for the cold glass and begins to open it, only to remember you and return it to the table.
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
You died exactly four years ago today. You would think these old wounds would have healed over. That these forty something year old cuts wouldn't still be bleeding, draining the life from me, and that they would have become battle scars, that only I would see. Your death should have stopped the nightmare, but it didn't. The dreams, the memories, the hurt…it all should have died with you. Instead, these breaks, these cracks in my mask worsen every time I fall asleep. I wake up sweating, my face wet with tears, and your voice, as loud as it was back then, ringing in my ears. I never fall back asleep. I'm too afraid to. That's how I've wound up here, as I have so many times before. I sit on my couch, feet tucked under me, staring into the dark depths of my dusty TV.
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
Tonight's dream was one of the worst. It was my seventh birthday, and I relived the entire thing. I had asked for this baby doll. It was the only thing that I wanted and I remember how happy I was when I opened a big box, revealing that very doll. It had a pink onesie on, with a matching hat and boots, with blue eyes and light brown hair, like you. I remember how happy I was that day, you were too, but my dream wasn't about that. That night you changed, and that's what I remember most. The best day of my little life was over shadowed by my first night without sleep, and my first night of true terror. I was so scared. You were yelling and screaming and I couldn't make out what you were saying. I remember hiding in the corner of my room, hugging my new baby doll as tight as my tiny body could. Then you came in. Your eyes were big and red and you were carrying a bottle, much like the one in my hand now. Then you threw it at me. I tried to move out of the way, but I wasn't quick enough and it hit me anyway. I still have the scar. I started crying and you grabbed my new doll from me and threw it across the room where it hit the wall. You started screaming again. You told me that I was a bad girl for crying and that you didn't love me. That you never did. What you said next, though, has defined who I am, who I've been, and who I always will be. You told me that my father raped you. You told me that the daddy you said that I didn't have because he didn't love you, but loved me, didn't exist. You told me that I wasn't wanted. You said I looked like him too, and that I reminded you of the worst day of your life. You said you didn't know why you had me because you hated me. You said you hated me, Mom. I stayed up all night that night, listening to you sob into your pillow until the alcohol knocked you out.
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
The next day you said you were sorry. You said you didn't mean it, that you really did love me. I didn't believe you though, I still don't. I threw my doll out that day, and I never asked you for anything again. I was too afraid.
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Do you know why I hate these dreams so much? Because they bring back everything. After being able to forget for so long, that one dream can bring it all back. Sometimes, the dreams get so vivid, the feelings so strong, that I would bet my badge and gun that it was real. Back to reality, and I've gone through almost half my bottle of vodka and I hate myself for it. I guess it’s just one of the few things that you left me with; that you taught me. Vodka, dreams, scars, and pain. No love. No compassion. Not even an apology; just destruction. I'm no different than the half empty bottle in front of me. The sun is coming up, I can see the light through my blinds. I have to lock that scared little girl away again, and try to rebuild my world. I have to clip my badge and gun on and leave to fake my way through another day full of lies and hate and brutality. I have to because of you.
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
| | |
| Hey everyone!
I've just created 2 new blogrings for Alex and Liv, my pairing of choice, since I only found one while I was looking.
Incase anyone is interested, my private Xanga is XxMyHeartsSongxX and you're welcomed to check it out.
I'm going to start a new fic..this will (hopefully) be my last songfic, because thats all I seem to be writing.
Wish me luck!
-Leena | | |
| Title: Beautiful Goodbye
Author: Leena/Starless
Rating: G or PG (Same sex relationship implied)
Email: Starless628@aol.com
Web site: Myspace
Disclaimer: They belong to Dicky..unfortunately. I would never torture my characters by giving them killer wings, separating them from their one.true.love, and making them live in the Closet of Doom, just incase they weren’t convincing enough.
The story is based on Amanda Marshall’s Beautiful Goodbye, so the lyrics are not mine.
Beta:
Author’s Note: Everything in italics are lyrics, everything bolded is Olivia, everything that is “regular” is Alex. I made them different to avoid confusion.
Fed up with my destiny
And this place of no return
Think I'll take another day
And slowly watch it burn
It doesn't really matter how the time goes by
Cause I still remember you and I
And that beautiful goodbye
I awoke this morning at six, in a cold room with a cold bed, a constant reminder of your absence. I removed myself from the near perfect sheets and walk in slow motion toward the bathroom. I turn the light on and reach for my tooth brush, subconsciously noticing that even after almost two years, I have yet to throw yours out. It’s just a tiny reminder of you, one of the only things I seem to have left.
When I see you now
I wonder how
I could've watched you walk away
If I let you down
Please forgive me now
For that beautiful goodbye
As I return to my bedroom, out bedroom, I take a moment to look at your picture on my nightstand. It the one Elliot took of us at Cragen’s fourth of July party; just months before you died. I was going to tell you I loved you that might, but I was too nervous. I was afraid you didn’t love me back. I thought I had all the time in the world, but I guess I was wrong.
We staggered through these empty streets
Laughing arm in arm
The night had made a mess of me
Your confession kept me warm
And I don't really miss you, I just need to know
Do you ever think of you and I
And that beautiful goodbye
I move toward the kitchen and start the coffee. I still make enough for the both of us. As I take my mug down from the cabinet, I see your picture on the wall. I’m not supposed to have it, it’s against the rules, but I couldn’t care less. It’s of you and me at the Jersey shore, a mere two weeks before I died. I was going to tell you I loved you then, but when I opened my mouth to tell you, the words got caught in my throat. Then you got a call, and we had to leave, so I never got my chance. I don’t know why I choked, I knew I loved you, I still do. Then I left. I should have told you that night by the river, I could have forgotten Elliot and the Feds and told you how much I cared about you. Instead, I just stood there, frozen.
In these days of no regrets
I keep mine to myself
And all the things we never said
I can say for someone else
Cause nothing lasts forever, but we always try
And I just can't help but wonder why
We let it pass us by
I make my way out the door and into the cold Chicago air. There’s a small amount of snow on the ground, and the sky looks as though more should begin to fall. It reminds me of our first winter together, a year after I joined the unit. We would walk through Central Park together, throwing snowballs and making angels. It was way back then, three years ago, that I realized that I couldn’t live without you. I had two years to tell you how I felt, and I didn’t and I will never regret anything more in my life.
When I see you now
I wonder how
I could've watched you walk away
If I let you down
Please forgive me now
For that beautiful goodbye
After the case involving Barnett, I tried to make you feel better. Between the victim’s suicide and your month long suspension, I figured it to be damn near impossible. We made love for the first time that night. I remember it was snowing and your skin was glowing from the warmth and light from the fireplace. That was the first time that we didn’t just have sex, and it was the first time I felt truly safe in your arms. That night, I realized how much I loved you. Since you left, I haven’t slept soundly, nor do I think I will. I go to work every day knowing that I’m another day closer to seeing you again, knowing that someday, I’ll have more than just pictures of you to confess to. I can feel it in my heart that I’ll get another chance, but for now, I’ll kiss your picture goodnight, hoping that where ever you are, you can hear me.
“I love you, Alex.”
Baby what can I do
Oh, to get through to you
Sometimes I cry, it’s just a fool’s lullaby
Sometimes I cry, it’s just a fool’s lullaby
Oh, Oh I’m dying inside
Yeah
| | |
| Title: Believe
Author: Leena/Starless
Rating: PG-Same-sex relationship (GASP!)
Email: Starless628@aol.com
Web site: Myspace
Disclaimer: They’re not mine, but I am willing to give up my house, bank accounts, car, and whatever else I have to buy them.
Comments welcome, no flaming, please.
This is a song - for the lonely
Can you hear me tonight
For the broken hearted, battle scared I'll
Be by your side
And this is a song - for the lonely
When your dreams won't come true
Can you hear this prayer
'Coz someone's there for you
Sometimes, on days like this, you’re all I think about. When I wake up in the morning, and go to bed that night, you’re on my mind. I see you everywhere. Every blonde hair blue eyed women I see on the streets is you, walking away from me again. On days like these, my DD-5’s and my notes say nothing but your name over and over, and Elliot doesn’t know what to do with me. Its days like these that I feel so alone, so lost, that I want to crawl into a ball and hide. Then I remember that you’re not really dead. Gone, yes, but not forever. It doesn’t have to be forever. I hope that you’re safe; I hope that you’re thinking of me, and I hope that I you know what’s in my heart, though I never got the chance to speak the words.
When you're standing on the edge of nowhere
There's only one way up
So your heart's got to go there
Through the darkest night
See the light shine bright
When hero's fall, in love or war
They live forever
Today, El and I had to go tell an elderly man that his wife was raped and killed. I stood there with this 67 year old man crying on my shoulder, asking me “Why?” I couldn’t answer him. I can never answer them; I can just tell them how sorry I am. Today was one of those days where I want to be able to go home to you, but I can’t. I can just hope that you’re safe and that you still think of me, because without that, I’d be lost. I know that someday, I’ll see you again. I have to believe that.
Well love don't need a reason
She can pick you up
Or leave you bleeding
I've seen a strong man cry
I know the reason why
We all forgive, we all forget
We just keep believing
Eva Clark. When I introduce myself, I still have the urge to say “Emily Wilson,” and every so often, on the days where all I think about is you, I want to say “Alex Cabot.” When I’m alone at night, staring at my ceiling, wishing that I had you next to me, I wonder if you ever think of me. If you still remember me as me, and not as “Emily,” or someone else. I need you to remember Alex for me. There are days where I don’t know who it is that I’m looking at in the mirror, and I need your voice to remind me. Without you, I don’t know who I am, so I have to keep believing that you’re still mine, and that someday, I’ll see you again.
This is a song - for the lonely
Can you hear me tonight
For the broken hearted, battle scared I'll
Be by your side
And this is a song - for the lonely
When your dreams won't come true
Can you hear this prayer
'Coz someone's there for you
This morning, when I woke up, my mind went immediately to you. When I looked at myself, I saw Alex looking back at me, and I had to fight myself not to cry. That was the first time in what feels like forever I saw me, not just a ghost, a shadow. The marshals came to me today, Liv. I’m free to be me. Not “Eva” or “Emily,” but Alexandra. I get to come home to you. My heart gets to meet my body again, and I’ve never been so nervous.
This is a song
A song for the lonely
And that's not you only
Through the darkest night
You're gonna see the light
Love don't need a reason
Just to leave you bleeding
Can you hear this prayer
Someone's there
I’m alone again. Cragen finally sent me home after 4 days without sleeping, and I don’t understand why when I need work most, to keep my mind off you, I’m put back into the same situation, where I allow you to succumb me. There’s a knock at the door, and I figure its Elliot, here to breakdown my walls and force me to talk about things he couldn’t possibly understand. I open the door without looking through the peep whole and am stunned to silence when I see you. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and black rimed glasses, the same ones that I’ve dreamt about every night since you left. You step forward and hug me tight, as though you’re afraid to ever let go again. I lift my arms in attempt to wipe away the tears that I hadn’t even noticed fell until just now, when you beat me to it. I finally embrace you, as tight as I can without hurting you, and you say what I’ve been dying to hear for the longest time, and never got the chance to hear.
“I love you.”
I know now is my chance, because if I don’t tell you now, I may not ever do it.
“I love you too, Alex.”
You start to cry and I know it’s over. I’ll never have to say goodbye to you again. It will finally be me and you. Together, forever.
So let it find you
Wherever you may go
I'm right beside you
You don't have to look no more
You don't have to look no more, oh no
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
This is a song - for the lonely
Can you hear me tonight
For the broken hearted, battle scared
I'll be by your side
And this is a song
for the lonely
| | |
|
